Here is an self-authored obituary from a truly dynamic individual

When my friend and Dockside Publishing CEO Andrew Wagner-Chazalon sent me an email with the subject line “Marine Industry Legend and NYC Ambassador, Frank Scalpone, Dies at 96,” I was immediately hooked.

Andrew didn’t even need to mention I would find it funny.

After reading it once and getting a good giggle on (hehehehehe), I read it to my wife Kandis, who looked at me and said, “you need to do that for yourself.”

I resisted the temptation to question whether she meant my departure from this earthly plane was imminent, as asking that would have guaranteed my demise (hahaha).

On to the obituary in question and the new standard by which all obits for dynamic individuals should be judged.

Marine Industry Legend and NYC Ambassador, Frank Scalpone, Dies at 96

Here is his self-authored statement

Frank Scalpone, who ran NMMA’s boat show operations until his retirement in 1992, died Oct. 12, at the age of 96, kicking and screaming all the way.

At his death, he was surrounded by many of his long-time friends, who crowded the 7 x 9-foot room to catch the last (unprintable) words of this legendary figure.

Scalpone had devoted his entire career to the boat industry. After getting his degree and blessing from the good fathers at Fordham University, he dallied in graduate school at the University of Pennsylvania until a course in economics convinced him it was time to begin earning a living.

His ownership of an Austin Healey convinced the publisher of a sports-car magazine to hire him, but non-ownership of a boat did not prevent his promotion to editor of Boat Sport, a pulp rag which nevertheless served as his steppingstone to a PR job at Mercury.

Under the iron fist of Carl Kiekhaefer, Scalpone survived 11 years, eventually becoming director of marketing and assistant headshrinker for that cantankerous genius.

In 1972, he headed back to his beloved New York to take on the leadership of the National Association of Engine and Boat Manufacturers, an NMMA predecessor. There he rejuvenated a nearly moribund New York Boat Show and created the Norwalk Boat Show as an act of revenge against Jerry Wood. (Scalpone always looked back on this event — the creation of the show, not the vendetta — as the highlight of his career.)

Swept up into a merged NMMA, Scalpone was executive vice president and built the shows department with the acquisition of shows in Miami, Philadelphia, St. Louis, New Orleans and San Diego.

He was generally thought of as scrupulously fair and honest in his dealings, but also a tough negotiator. Associates respected, if they did not necessarily enjoy, his spare use of praise but lavish display of criticism as he pursued the elusive goal of perfection. An amateur des arts, Scalpone enjoyed opera, chamber music and ballet. Other interests included his collection of first editions, and a passion for shooting craps, which he exercised in regular visits to his money in Las Vegas.

Long divorced, Scalpone leaves behind a heartbroken collection of ex-lovers, not to mention an ex-wife. His is survived by two children and two granddaughters. His body was consigned to flames and the whereabouts of his soul are unimaginable.